Wow! Can you tell it's from the same director as "Sin City"?

Here's the best review I've seen so far:


I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your

balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s

called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but

they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit

out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of

high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams

before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use

screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort

of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but

twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a

Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets”

guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face

will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just

ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is

kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer

made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:

HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD

OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-

CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift

supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to

stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in

your hand.

COOL THING TWO:

FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but

the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does

it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video

from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks,

ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got

Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE

WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up

for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:

DUDE NUDITY (”DUDE-ITY”)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women

around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every

naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass

picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people

will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked

hotties.

Any directors reading this - IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED

HOTTIES.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE

BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen

this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes

a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Glad that isn't your review.. there's so much wrong with that.

First off it ain't just any Greek guys beating the shit outa Persians. It's Spartans. Total bad asses that have been trained since they were kids to kick the shit outa you even if they are missing one eye and all their limbs. Hell there's a part in the movie where some guy's like "Oh. It's just an eye, the god's have felt the need to grace me with a spare."

I'll admit the ninja-ish people made no freaking sense what so ever to me but meh, so the director likes ninjas. Oh right. Also, there is a plot, though the movie kinda cuts out most of wth is going on that leads up to the slaughter. Basically boils down to: some idiot pissed off the persians, and so they come over to smash athens and any idiot in their way. Sparta gets called on and outa some wierdo divine intervention they decide to march up a small force to the coast and say hi. (NOTE: The movie doesn't give you any of this, and instead gives a different reason or w/e on why they march up.) It is based on history so have fun watching it and ignore the plot, since it really doesn't matter when you got that many people kicking ass.

/rant off

Go enjoy the movie and worry about silly plot lines and acting later. Battle and gore is so much more fun.

hey - after a $70 million weekend, you know it's got to be pretty damn good. When I saw a trailer for it at another theater, I almost wet myself it looked so gorgeous.. I will most definitely have to go see it.

The movie rocked =) Fate loved all the boobs in it too!

that movie did rock i watched it this last weekend :)